Season of Self Love

In Honor of Maximus T-bone Miller. You were the sweetest, most polite, most protective and best dog a family could ever have. So glad i got to grow up with you. May you rest in peace. I love you.

So far this year, I got let go at my seasonal Hobby Lobby job (I had hoped they would keep me though), my dog Max died, and I'm not where I hoped I would be in missions. Last year (and the year before) I held on to the hope that i would be at the YWAM School of Navigation and Seamanship by September 2014. I held on so faithfully that when the time came, I waited until the day AFTER the school started to finally let it sink in that it just wasn't the time. I was bitterly confused at first and for a long time, as you can see it's taken almost 3 months that I can talk/type about it with confidence. After I dealt with and eliminated the doubt and shame I was feeling, i found a humbling experience. Humbling experiences seem to be the hardest for me to take gracefully, haha! But Humility has taught me that I am not always right, and that's okay. That sometimes i am right, but maybe not in the details. That right or wrong, it doesn't matter. It's all in Gods hands and not my own, so it's going to be more than okay. Papa has a plan for me, and I don't have to know what it is. After all, what is a romance without blind trust following a spectacularly beautiful surprise?
It's not all perfect though (HAHA when is it?) The latest mind boggling problem my literal and perfectionist brain has come up with, is when do I wait and when do I go?

The idea of waiting for God to open doors while also taking initiative has always perplexed me. Both are important yet they feel like a line in Alanis Morissette's "Hand In My Pocket." "It's all in Gods timing" or "You'll never get anywhere in life waiting." Maybe I'm supposed to go for it while letting God open doors on the way? Like a steady rythm and a flowing melody, constantly moving together to make glorious music. I don't guess there's a definitive answer since no circumstance is the same. Either way it's a risk, and I've learned to love the risk. I'll either be right or be humbled.

So I decided, despite my year starting out bad and through out my confusion i would make 2015 a great year. I've had seasons of love, passion, humility, learning, prayer, etc. All different times in my life where God wanted me to grow in a specific way. This year will be a season of self love. And that brings me to the question, how do I love myself the best i can? What does that look like to me and in a way that God intended me to love myself?

I think firstly i must seek Christ deeper. There's nothing I can do better for myself than to know Him more. So the first thing i want to do is be more consistent in my prayer time, reading my bible and quiet time. I get bored easily and have little patience, so this is easier said than done. But I want to continue to develop my relationship with him. The more I fall in love with my heavenly father the more I will fall in love with myself!

Secondly, I want to love people more! There are so many ministries in my area and God gave me a heart for proclaiming worth to women who feel stripped of it, where ever I go. So on a separate and up and coming post I'll be writing about where/how I'll be serving in Tyler Texas and the many other places you can do missions in Tyler as well! I look forward to that post!

Lastly, I want to love my body. And wow, there is just a plethora of ways I could be loving my body better! I'm sick of putting toxins in my body and on my skin and in my hair and I'm ready to go the organic/natural way. It's a slow transition though, trying to find out the most hygienic and frugal ways to do that. If you have any knowledge or tips on natural beauty techniques such as shampoo/conditioner, I would love you! Also in my endeavor to love my body I want to embrace it's natural state. I've pretty much gotten used to not shaving my legs and not wearing makeup. That was easy, because it took no effort, haha. But i felt like, how can I love my body if I cant love everything about it? PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT: Women grow body hair, just like men. "Ew that's gross, guys don't like that." PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT: I am not here to please men. I serve God, not the desires of mankind. I promise you, God doesn't care about leg hair, He might even count the hairs? (haha im funny.) That's not to say I don't like the feeling of having smooth legs every now and then, fellows, you should try it! I'm just learning to embrace my beauty and "flawsomeness" in the rawest form.   .
If you know me well, you know my self worth has been put through the ringer. Unfortunately girls and women all over the world have the same problem. Society taught us that we have to look and act a certain way to celebrate ourselves. So this year I will celebrate myself for all the ways God made me beautiful!


The only way to love yourself the way God intended was through selflessness, and the way the world can interpret loving yourself is through selfishness. Loving yourself first is "idolic" and in no way glorifies God. But we all take time out of our days to love ourselves, we eat our favorite food, we take relaxing baths, watch our favorite TV show, etc. Even by taking care of our bodies and being healthy, we are loving our temples. As long as pampering ourselves comes last, these are all good things. But this is no easy thing either, I'm real guilty of loving myself first, and that's why this is a season of "self love" for me. Not selfish love but selfless love.

"The second is this: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' There is no commandment greater than these." - Mark 12:31


I can't tell you where in the world I will be at the end of 2015. I may feel led to stay here longer, serving my church and ministries in the area. Or I may feel God calling me half way around the world serving ministries there. But until then, I'll be loving myself.

Photo Cred goes to my dear friend Amber. https://freedomams.wordpress.com/

A few of my favorite things

Star Gazing - 

I absolutely love just staring at the stars! When you look up there you are looking at eternity, and beauty, eternal beauty. I feel like when i'm staring into eternal beauty, i'm staring into the eyes of God. It's mesmerizing, space just blows my mind and I love learning about our constellations, other galaxies beyond our Milky Way, the entire Cosmos. It's also very humbling to be aware of what's out there, when i feel overwhelmed by the world and it's problems or my own, i'm reminded that they are in fact just worldly. 

Romans 12:2 - Don't copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God's will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect.

Our Milky Way Galaxy over my house on The Fourth of July

Photo Cred to my Aunt Dion who has gotten SO good at photographing the stars

Tea -

Whether i'm enjoying a cuppa on my own or with friends I always find it so cozy and comforting. All bundled up in a blanket with my dog, watching a favorite TV show, sipping on a chamomile tea, SO good! Sitting in a coffee shop with a friend chatting or 'journaling' together drinking Chai Teas, even better! And in the heat of a Texas summer an ice sweet tea always hits the spot! I love green tea, masala tea, black tea, earl grey, mint, and many more! Tea is universal! I love the cute & delicate tea cups and the matching saucers, and recently I've been obsessed with Japanese tea sets! BTW, I like my tea bold with milk and sugar. 

The cup of tea I had while writing about tea! 

Fantasy/Fiction -

Now I'm generalizing this, because there are a plethora of things I love that I'm putting under this label. I love anime, anything Studio Ghibli, also a lot from Funimation. I love fictional or fantasy adventure books, my favorite as a child was Lemony Snicket's a Series of Unfortunate Events, and the film versions of them like Narnia, Harry Potter, and my most favorite, The Lord of the Rings. I love Dr. Who, almost every episode makes me cry. I love Disney movies, the magic they create! I love fantasy creatures, unicorns, fairies, centaurs and most of all mermaids! 

This is the most adorable little centaur family (like on Fantasia) i created on Azaleadolls.com

Guilty pleasure

Adventure -

This also cover a WIDE variety of things i love. I love going on outdoor adventures, getting lost in the woods (but not really lost lost, that would be scary), river walking, kayaking, camping, hiking to see the views. It makes my soul happy! I love experiencing the fullness of what God created this world to offer us. I love adrenaline adventures! Skydiving, zip lining, roller coasters, whatever! Spelunking and bungee jumping are on my list! I love the adventure of a new place, whether it's a road trip to a new state or a new country! I've come to love being in an airport, an adventure is definitely waiting on me when I'm there. I love letting myself bask in not knowing whats ahead, letting the excitement of the unknown linger. The Spirit of the Lord leads me, so I'm never nervous and i embrace change! I'm ALWAYS taken care of, it's been proven, so I trust in my Father and go where He leads me and it's the MOST invigorating experience!    

            

Here I am enjoying an awesome kayak adventure

 If you look closely you can see me after i jumped out of an airplane

Family & Friends -

Oh how i adore my loved ones, they mean everything to me! I've got my Mom, Dad and Brother, and i feel like we are just the perfect family. Not in an ordinary cookie cutter way, we are... out there. My brother and i got our whit from our dad and our emotions from our mom. Laughter is the essence of my family, we thrive on each others laughter. We're not REALLY perfect of course, we have had our rough patches, mostly in my teenage moody years to be honest, but we always end up laughing in the end. And recently my brother got married adding another Miller to the mix and i got a sister. Which was weird at first but you can SO tell she's becoming more and more apart of our family just when we all laugh together. And my friends, I am all over the place with friends! I mean talk about the most random bunch of people. For me, who used to struggle with feeling alone, I have never felt more surrounded with love. My mom told me one of her favorite things about me was my ability to make friends with anyone. A friend also told me that they thought one of my gifts was the ability to make anybody feel like a part of the group and not leave anybody out. I cherish these words of encouragement because i feel like in all my years of feeling lonely it was a learning experience. Loneliness made me hate myself, and for the rest of my life i'll love anyone who lets me love them. Also i love my dog, I promise you she was a gift from God given to me before i knew i was going to go through a depression. I am literally alive today because my Father gave me something to take care of, something that relied on me and made me her world. He knew i was gonna need that extra 5lbs of best friend to make it out of my wilderness. 

A few years ago they gave us this photo at the Magic Time Machine restaurant, it took us a few seconds to realized what was wrong. And we still laugh about it. 

Our faces are switched, it's just wrong

My Account of Revamped Night of Worship, November 2014

For Revamped, "Night of Worship" has always been a big deal, it's three hours of continuous worship, which isn't so long for some people, but for us we normally leave with scratchy throats and the worship team pooped. AAAAND it's awesome, every year The Holy Spirit is ever present, and the growth of our group is obvious both in numbers and our spirituality. Pastor Johnathan and so many more people put hours of prayer, hard labor, creativity and thinking into making it an impacting night, a night that breaks chains, breaks walls, to declare our freedom and our testimonies. Tonight the theme was "Unstoppable", basically describing every aspect of God. We all had the chance to write our testimony on a piece of cardboard and declare it to the crowd, "I was _______, but now I'm _______". Mine was "I was lonely but now I'm loved." Lonely describing the deepest and rawest part of who i used to be, and Loved describing the realest and most powerful way God revealed to me that I was not alone.

Now for the past few years my experience in Night of Worship has been a prophetic one, a chance for God to speak through me to convey a message He wants someone to know. Prophecy is a spiritual gift anyone can recieve, 1 Corinthians 14:1 - "Let love be your highest goal! But you should also desire the special abilities the Spirit gives - especially the ability to prophesy." It's a gift I encourage everyone to practice because it's such a faith expanding experience to have verified prophecy and to know God speaks through you. Now tonight God planned to speak through me more than He ever had before and i left Night of Worship feeling so happy, fulfilled and excited!

It all started a few weeks ago, when i was praying for a random girl at Revamped (I'm keeping her name private) feeling like i should encourage her in her Spiritual Gifts, whatever they may be. So a random scripture popped in my head, something like 1 Kings 4, talking about the Administration of King Solomon. So i figured administration must be one of them and really wanted to talk to her but felt it wasn't the right time. Skip ahead to tonight and i feel tonight is the night to talk to her, but in the middle of worship i get this nagging feeling that there's more, so i receive Matthew 4:11 - "Then the devil went away, and angels came and took care of Jesus." Now this is right after Jesus had been in the wilderness being tempted by satan with food and power and Jesus rejected him every time and finally told satan to go away. So i felt i should encourage someone that feels they're going through their own wilderness to keep rejecting satans advances, and tell him to go away because the angels are coming to take care of you! We have all gone through hard times in our life and this is our "wilderness" and satan loves to tempt you in these times because we are at our weakest. But it wont last forever and you have to keep fighting and be a warrior! Then it suddenly clicks with me that these cardboard testimonies are our stories of making it out of the wilderness, but that some people may still be in their wilderness. That they might feel as if they have the first part of their testimony, but are missing the end of it, the happy part, making it out. And it broke my heart because I know the struggle that goes with that. So someone, maybe more, needed to know that even though they feel they only have half of their testimony they just have to keeping fighting, because Jesus is coming to give them the rest!

So at this point i'm worshiping my soul out but getting a sick feeling in my stomach because i'm pretty sure i'm gonna have to share this Matthew 4:11 message with everybody, and my anxiety is having a frenzy.All i can think about is what if i leave something out or get all confused and don't convey the right message. It starts getting hard for me to focus, so i just pray that maybe it's just for one person, but nooooo, i know it not. So of course i wait until the last minute, and they show a video and I'm thinking this is the end, so i missed my opportunity, kinda relieved, but mostly disappointed in myself, because i let anxiety get the best of me and someone might of really needed to hear that. But wait, it's not over, I've got one more chance so without thinking (so i wouldn't throw up) I tell Johnathan. So nervously and excitedly i  tell everyone Gods prophetic message (Phrased a lot shorter than how i wrote it) and i get a good response (thank goodness cause that woulda been aaaaawkward). So i go sit down and I AM so relieved and really just proud of myself. 

After the last song and our closing prayer i went straight to the girl i got the Spiritual Gift of Administration for and asked if i could ask her a question, she said yes. Here's what happened:

Me: Hey could i ask you a question?

Girl: Yeah sure!

Me: Do you know what your spiritual gifts are?

Girl: Yeah! Administration.

Me: OH, well i'm just here to verify that! 

*shows her "Administration" written down in journal* 

I got this for you a LONG time ago but just felt like now was the right time tell you!

Girl: Thanks so much!

*Were both kinda in shock*

Me: Thank YOU so much, for verifying us. 

*Me being awkward*

Soooo, that was cool, I was probably more shocked than i should have been, haha. But God constantly blows my mind. So then i go grab a piece of pizza to eat in the lobby and she walks up to me and ask's if she can talk to me. And this is, kinda, how it went:

Girl: So during alter call (Before i gave the prophetic word) i asked my friend to pray for me for the exact same thing you spoke about, and she told me that she had a prophetic word to give me after service, but when i just asked her she said that you had already said it on stage! I asked her if she told you anything and she was like "No!"

Me: Oh wow, that's so awesome. 

*Something to that extent* *Told her a bit of my experience of not feeling like i had a finished testimony and what God did to give me one, and encouraged her. Found out we'd struggled in very similar ways* 

 OH, this must be for you! 

*gives her super cute ring i bought for myself a few days ago, shaped like a crown with fake diamonds on it, nothing real or fancy, i just liked the symbolism of it, reminding me that my fathers royalty making me a princess.*

I felt like it needed to go to someone tonight, to remind them what it reminds me of, being royalty. Clearly that's you! 

Girl: Really?! Thank you!

*More talking*

You know what's funny about this ring, my friend prophesied over me a while ago and said that she felt that there were chains on me and that God wanted to break them and replace them with a jeweled crown!

                                 

Soooo, that was even cooler! It went something like that, it was generally just an awesome experience for both of us! She had so many things verified over her tonight and I know it blew SO much unbelief out of the water! And it gave me a chance to grow in prophecy, and you know when those subtle whispers of "maybe i'm just talking to myself" or "that was just a coincidence", no more. I've had more than enough reasons for those whispers to be proven wrong before, but if i chose to listen to them now, i'd be lying to myself no doubt. 

I'm not sure what everyone else's experiences of Night of Worship were tonight, but i know The Holy Spirit was IN there! So there have to be SO many more awesome stories! 

I worshiped

I felt the presence of God

I prayed

I prophesied 

I slapped anxiety in the face

I got to pray over a a really awesome friend

I made a new friend

We experienced the realness of God

I ate pizza

AHHH, it was SUCH a good night!

This is a photo from the NoW before tonights, i couldn't find an updated one

Beautiful Warrior Woman

Well i guess i wanted to start this blog just to have a place to put our stories, adventures, experiences and dreams out there. Also to have a place where our supporters could keep up with us and go on our journeys with us in a way. After all, they have put in so much time, money and prayer into our journeys that they have everything to do with them. But i am not very good at keeping up with things, i'm a one track mind kinda girl and there are already so many social media type things to keep up with i feel like i'm already spread too thin. I've got a Facebook, Tumblr, Vine, Pinterest, Instagram, the only thing i don't have is a twitter. But i think i'll step back from those things so i can focus on this. For now i'm not really making my blog public just in case i end up not being able to keep up, but once i prove to myself  I can i'll share it. Also, I'm no grammar queen nor am i very good at writing/typing out what my brain is trying to say, haha, sooo.. sorry not sorry.

As you may have noticed in the beginning of this post, when talking about our adventures and such I am talking about more than one person going on these adventures. You see ever since I was a little girl God promised me adventure, and that He would be going with me. Everywhere i have gone, every mountain i have climbed (or not climbed, that's another story), every valley i have faced, all the fun or not so fun experiences, every dream i have, I have never been alone. One thing I know for certain, and always have, I am not alone. He promised me a life I could have never dreamed for myself, one only He could get me too.

As a young girl, in the fifth grade, i started to feel the darkness of depression. I felt so out of place, i longed for more and i was so unsatisfied with who i was and my life. I remember my two best friends in fifth grade were also very sad and we would just sit during recces and mourn the days when we were happy, which makes me laugh now, because it sounds so silly! Three eleven year old girls talking about the good ole days and how we had it SO bad now. But I had just experienced tragedy for the first time, a devastating dark affliction had happened to my brothers best friend and his family. Leaving two dead (including my brothers best friend), one seriously injured, one in prison, and one devastated. This family went to church with us and i know it hurt us all. I don't know how everyone suffered but my family suffered silently. I think there was a strong spiritual attack of depression on my family for a long time, because i felt it. I remember crying myself to sleep a lot, or hiding in my closet wishing someone would come find me and tell me it was going to be okay. But while i was so sad i always felt this presence weeping with me, feeling my sorrow, weeping FOR my sorrow, longing for me to let Him in and heal me and love me. That he created me for great things. Then that carried into my youth and i struggled with self worth and hating myself and always thinking that bottle of pills would be an easy way out. Even then i always felt a presence of love i couldn't explain, saying to me, He had so much more than this for me. He created me for a life of adventure, of passion, of love, of beyond my wildest dreams, and if i gave up i'd be letting all that go. To finally LET HIM IN. So i decided to take Him up on that offer and i let Him in and let Him take me on these adventures, I let him love me and I love Him. And every day has been has been a journey of getting to know my God and His beautiful heart and diving deeper into understanding Him and loving myself because he created me as a beautiful warrior woman that goes where He leads me and gave me a passion to fight for other beautiful warrior women.